


BOY HOWDY It's Peapod McHanzo Week!

by AughtPunk



Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Also Talon Fam, Also more fics need Winston, Bad Acting, Based on NJ/NY/PA Rest Stops, Bath Time, Christmas, Dorks in Love, Dragon Noodles, First Date, First Kisses, Haunted Doll Watch, I Ship It, I wanna hug Winston, Look Ghost Lights Are A Thing, M/M, NSFW, Non-Sexy Bath, Noodles, Oodles of Noodles, Ooooo Jesse's in TROUBLE, Peapod McHanzo Week, Rest Stops are Weird, Road Trip, Rubber Ducky Violence, Ship it haaaaaaaard, Snuck some Som.va in there, Theater AU, Things get a littlle, Vague Missions, Winston is the best, but not too much, heck yeah, hell yeah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2019-02-27 09:25:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13245306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AughtPunk/pseuds/AughtPunk
Summary: Cause none of the other McHanzo Tumblrs are doing it! Strap in for a week of prompts chosen by me and my buddy, my peapod, Wyntera!1-2-18 - Oh no, we have to share a bed… - Can our heroes survive a trip to a...BED AND BREAKFAST???1-3-18 - AU (We’re gonna do D&D) - PSYCH It's my Theater AU instead!1-4-18 - Laundry/Chores in General - Bath time for Noodles!1-5-18 - Car/Road Trip - Our boys hit up a rest stop and almost lose their minds1-6-18 - On the Job/Mission - Winston has a talk with Jesse about the mission reports1-7-18 - Date Night! - Hanzo and Jesse are on a mission! Or a date. Either-or.1-8-18 - Home for the Holidays - Hanzo hates parties, and Jesse ain't too thrilled about them either





	1. DAY 1 - Oh No We Have To Share A Bed

Not all undercover missions were glamorous. Sure there were the ones that involved pretending to be a wealthy oil tycoon, or a billionaire playboy, or even arm candy for a rich old CEO (Hanzo hadn’t gone on that mission, but the photos Hana brought back of a dolled-up Zenyatta hanging off Jack Morrison’s arm were hilarious). But most involved laying low in a seedy motel under fake names and doing nothing but eating takeout for a week. Or, as Hanzo recently discovered, they sometimes fell somewhere awkwardly in the middle.

“The Tea Kettle Inn! Ain’t she a beaut?” Jesse McCree said as he lifted their bags out of the trunk of the rent-a-car. “According to the reviews they make a pumpkin bread that’s just to die for.”

Hanzo did not respond right away. His focus was on the quaint pre-Crisis cottage before them. Yes. Quaint. That was certainly the word to describe it. Every window he could see had lace curtains. The deck was covered in flowering plants and wicker furniture. Plenty of flags to remind oneself that they were in fact in America. There were one, two, no at least four cats mulling about in the sunlight. So far no tea kettles. “Does Overwatch often send their agents to Bed and Breakfasts?” 

“Well, there was that one time me and Lena had to pretend to be siblings. But considerin’ her southern accent is as bad as my english one-oh! Howdy there!” 

An old wrinkle of a woman stepped out of the side door and onto the deck. Hanzo could barely see her between flowerpots. “Hello dears!” she said, as if she wasn’t grandmotherly enough already. “You must be the Mercers. Been expecting you! Come on in and I’ll make you a nice cup of tea.”

“Thanks a million, darlin’!” Jesse waved back. Hanzo would question the pet name, but that with a flash of his smile was enough to get a giggle from the old woman. 

“Are you sure she is not an assassin?” Hanzo whispered once the owner stepped back into the house. 

“Nonsense!” Jesse wrapped an arm around Hanzo’s shoulders. “She’s just a sweet old lady happy to see her customers. Specially a cute newlywed couple like ourselves. Speaking of which, you got all the details down, sweetpea?”

Hanzo relaxed at Jesse’s touch. “We are Joel and Tarō Mercer, just married and on a romantic honeymoon through the Pennsylvania Dutch countryside. You’re a blogger that writes articles about coffee and I’m an algebra professor at Ramapo University. We are staying here for the night and tomorrow we will head to Ronks to see the Strasburg Railroad.”

Jesse grinned at Hanzo. “If we get done with the mission soon enough we’re totally going there. Never seen a real-life steam engine before. I hear there’s a ghost train and everything! And don’t forget, if you need me to back off and stop being so lovey-dovey the password is sugarplum.”

There was a brief moment when Hanzo considered telling Jesse that there was no chance of him ever using that password. That he lived for missions where they had to go undercover as a couple. That every touch of Jesse’s rough hands set his soul aflame. That those chaste pecks on the cheek kept him up at night. Instead he leaned up enough to kiss Jesse on the corner of his mouth. “Let us not hold up our host, cowboy.”

He did it because the owner was peeking at them from one of the windows. Not because it made his heart flutter to see Jesse speechless for once. Of course not.

***

Hanzo had never seen so many tea kettles in his life. He had been in tea shops and tea houses that contained less kettles than in this single cottage. The owner had even installed shelving on the walls in order to display more once she ran out of flat surfaces. Each one was pre-Crisis (save for the one she actually served them tea in) and each sat upon a handmade doily that was probably older than the kettles themselves. By the time they had been shown to their room Hanzo began to question if kettle was even a real word. 

The room was...quaint. He kept coming back to that word. A little small but the bed was clean and the shower had hot water, so Hanzo was fine. He dropped his luggage on the bed, feeling oddly bad for disturbing the perfectly placed quilt. “It might be a tight fit for the both of us,” Hanzo said as he eyed the queen sized mattress. 

Jesse didn’t reply. 

“But I suppose it will do.”

Jesse still didn’t say anything. 

“You can have the shower first…Jesse?” Hanzo finally turned around to see what had gotten the gunslinger to go silent for once. There Jesse was standing in the middle of the room, pale as a ghost, staring at an old rocking chair in the corner. A purely decorative one if all the old stuffed animals and toys sitting on it was anything to go by. Jesse met Hanzo’s eyes and pointed straight at a doll sitting in the middle of the pile. 

“That doll’s totally haunted,” Jesse said completely deadpan.

Hanzo looked at the doll. It was an old porcelain baby doll, the type no child has ever played with. He had to admit there was something unnerving about the doll with its parted lips and wide near-black eyes. The decrepit lace dress with matching bonnet it wore did no favors either. But it was hard to be afraid of a doll wedged between a large Peter Rabbit and a decaying Paddington Bear. “The doll is not haunted.”

“Look at those eyes, Hanzo. Dead, soulless eyes.”

“If it is soulless then it cannot be haunted.” 

“That,” Jesse lowered his hand, “is a good point. Fine, it ain’t haunted. But there’s no way I’m sleepin’ with that thing staring at me.” 

Hanzo glanced again at the doll. The doll continued to not be haunted. “We could quietly dispose of it during the night.” 

“No, no, nothin’ that drastic. Just. Here. Hang on.” Jesse crossed over to the rocking chair, hesitated for a second, picked the doll up, and turned it around. After a second’s thought he then proceeded to turn all of the other stuffed animals around as well. He then turned to Hanzo and brushed his hands off as if he did something far more impressive than play with toys. “So! When are we due at the rendezvous spot?”

“In four hours.”

“Perfect!” Jesse moved to Hanzo’s side and snuck an arm around his waist. “I hear there’s a diner down the road that has some of the best fried chicken in the state. And the best root beer floats!” 

Hanzo playfully narrowed his eyes. “We shall see. Your claims about the best chili were completely unfounded.”

“Ain’t my fault they changed the recipe,” Jesse muttered as they headed out the door, scary dolls and small beds long forgotten. 

***

The mission went well, or as well as a mission normally goes. No one on their side was killed, everyone had as many limbs as they started, and they scored some important data on Talon for their troubles. Also Jesse had been correct about the fried chicken and root beer floats so Hanzo was willing to bump the mission up to good. By the time they made it back to their room it was late enough that the owner was fast asleep. Hopefully.

“Shh! You’ll wake her!” Hanzo whispered as he stepped over a cat to enter their room. As much as he would kill for a hot shower all he could think about during the car ride home was sleep. A warm bed, a comfy pillow, and the oddly relaxing sound of Jesse’s snoring. He stripped off his coat, his shirt, and was starting on the pants when Jesse cleared his throat loud enough to remind Hanzo that he was there.

“I uh,” Jesse pointed his thumb back at the bathroom as he did his best to look anywhere but directly at Hanzo. Since when was the cowboy so shy? “I’m gonna shower, you need…?”

“Go ahead,” Hanzo replied. That’s all Jesse needed to hear before bolting into the bathroom. Very odd. Hanzo chalked it up to the creepy doll and pushed it fully out of his head. What lay before him was the best and worst part of these missions. The part he looked forward to and dreaded in equal measure: sharing a bed.

It had to be done, Hanzo reminded himself as he kicked off his pants. They would draw attention to themselves if they didn’t sleep in a bed together. This was for the mission. If McCree ended up snuggling against him during the night then that was just an added bonus. And if Hanzo woke up early so he could enjoy the feeling of Jesse wrapped around him and pretend for just a little bit that they were more than friends no one had to know that.

By the time Jesse exited the bathroom Hanzo was already curled up under the stiff quilt. He watched as Jesse laid down next to him, sighed, got back up to turn off the lights, and then lay down once more. Even with the small gap between their bodies Hanzo could feel Jesse’s heat radiating off him. A fact he was very thankful for once the chill of the night settled in. Hanzo rolled away from Jesse, closed his eyes and waited for the familiar sound of Jesse’s snores. 

“The quilt’s crap,” Jesse said instead. 

“I believe it is mainly for decoration,” Hanzo replied, mostly to his pillow. 

“Think there’s extra blankets somewhere?”

“I refuse to leave this bed.”

“Fair.” Hanzo could feel Jesse move around behind him. “You know, I gotta admit I’m a little jealous of Joel Mercer right now.”

Hanzo sighed. Jesse was in a talking mood tonight. “Because he did not spend the evening being shot at?” 

“Because he’s got his Tarō to keep him warm.”

There was a softness to Jesse’s voice that caught Hanzo off-guard. A hint of longing which betrayed so much more. Before he could convince himself that he misheard Hanzo rolled over to face Jesse. The sight before him was almost too much for his heart to take. Jesse almost glowed in the faint street light coming in through the window, his eyes shining in the near darkness. He was looking down at his hand which laid on the bed between them. Not at Hanzo. “Must be nice,” he continued, “havin’ someone to come home to. Wake up next to. Share a life with.”

“Those do not have to be exclusive to Joel’s life,” Hanzo whispered, amazed that he could find any words to speak in the first place. Before he could ruin the moment by saying anything else Hanzo placed his hand on top of Jesse’s, praying that his intentions were carried across the way their fingers entwined. He expected Jesse to pull away. Or to laugh the moment off. He did not expect Jesse to let go of Hanzo’s hand long enough to slip around his waist instead. 

“C’mere,” Jesse murmured, his eyes finally meeting Hanzo’s. 

Hanzo did not need to be told twice. He eagerly pressed himself against Jesse and soaked in his warm and hairy body. His lips met Jesse’s chin at first, but it was enough to get his point across. Jesse tilted his head down enough for the next kiss to connect. He tasted of cheap toothpaste but Hanzo knew he was no better. As eager as Hanzo was to explore Jesse’s body he couldn’t pull himself away from those soft kisses, nor could he tear his hand away from that scruff. There was so much Hanzo wanted to say, confess, do, oh so much he wanted to do. But he could already feel Jesse going slack as those sweet kisses slowed down.

“Jesse.” Hanzo kissed his cheek. “You need to sleep. We need to sleep.”

“Nuh-uh,” Jesse said, nuzzling Hanzo’s neck in what was clearly an attempt to hide a yawn. 

Hanzo wrapped his arms around Jesse, letting his hands fall to the small of his back. “You are exhausted. We can continue this in the morning.”

Jesse shuffled himself around so his head could rest on Hanzo’s shoulder. “You might not want little old me tomorrow.”

“Never.” Hanzo kissed Jesse’s temple. “But we are not expected at the pick-up until noon, and I will require you to be fully rested for what I have planned.”

The noise Jesse made was worth putting things off until the morning. Hanzo smiled, already mentally going over the list of items he will require. Not that he had been planning on exactly what he wanted to do to his favorite cowboy for a very long time. He may have to go out for supplies before Jesse wakes up in the morning. Certainly before the owner woke up. He could always climb out the window with his bag to prevent being spotted on the way out. Where was his bag, anyway? Did he drop it by the-

“ _ Jesse _ .” Hanzo tightened his arms around Jesse. “Did you touch the doll?”

“Did I--” Jesse lifted his head off of Hanzo’s shoulder and turned enough to look across the room. There in the corner was the rocking chair, barely visible in the near-darkness, with all of the toys on it still turned around. Except the doll.

Pitch-black doll eyes stared at them.

Jesse and Hanzo stared back. 

It was Jesse who moved first, grabbing onto the quilt and pulling it over their heads. A childish move, yes. Not effective in any way. Or it might have saved their lives. Hanzo wasn’t sure.

“We will dispose of the doll in the morning.” Hanzo whispered. 

“Sweetest words I’ve heard yet, darlin’.”


	2. DAY 2 - Theater AU

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSYCH instead of D&D I wrote the follow up to my Theater AU!
> 
> Don't know what that is? [You can read 'Dress Rehearsal' here!](http://archiveofourown.org/works/13207017)  
> 

Of course Genji broke his leg on opening night.

Hanzo knew this fundraiser for the Children’s Hospital was a bad idea to begin with. Not that raising money for sick children was bad! In fact the Phoenix Theater did it every year! But they always would do safe children’s plays like Little Red Riding Hood, or Three Little Pigs or something of the like. The children love it, their parents donate extra money on the way out, the hospital gets supplies and everyone is happy.

But then Genji had one of his bright ideas: instead of a normal children’s play, they should perform what he called an action stunt spectacular! Featuring The Green Sentai (Genji of course) fighting dastardly criminals (Jesse and Olivia as Team Rocket-like bad guys) and Zenyatta as the evil monster behind it all (in a costume Hanzo feared might actually scare the children). Genji’s argued that the kids would be far more invested in a show with tons of stage fighting than yet another fairy tale. 

In the end Hanzo was talked into it and for the past month he had watched every rehearsal with a weight in his stomach. Even though Genji was born to stage fight Hanzo couldn’t help but imagine him seriously hurting himself doing a stunt. Not only did he worry for his brother, but for his boyfriend and Head of Set Construction Jesse McCree. And Olivia. Everyone, really. But after a month of rehearsing he finally convinced himself they could pull this off. 

And then Genji slipped on some ice and broke his leg. 

“Please don’t kill me.”

Hanzo pinched the bridge of his nose and debated, not for the first time, throwing his phone against the wall. “I am not going to kill you, Genji. It was an accident.” 

He was going to murder his brother. He was going to murder him, and then bring him back to life just so Genji could be the one answering all the phones from angry parents about the cancelled performance. Then after Genji explained to the hospital why they weren’t getting their yearly donation he would kill his brother once more. Jesse could help him hide the body. Maybe make a night of it. “Has the doctor put a cast on it yet?”

“Yeah, and it’s going to be stuck on me for six to eight weeks, and then I got physical therapy with uh...” There was rustling around on Genji’s side of the call. “Dr. Ziegler for a month. That’s not important! What about the show tonight? What are-”

“Don’t worry about it,” Hanzo said while trying to hide the worry in his voice. “Text me when you get home.”

“Hanzo I know what your freaking out voice sounds like Hanzo HAN-”

Hanzo ended the call and turned off the phone before Genji could call back. He could already hear movement on the other side of his office door. Good. By the time he found the courage to face the crew they will already know everything. Cancelling the show would be a disaster, yes. But it wasn’t like Genji had an understudy. The only other actor who could pull stunts like Genji was Zenyatta, and he was the big bad guy. He had no other choice. 

“Apple dumplin’? You doin’ alright?” 

Hanzo wasn’t sure when Jesse had stepped into his office but he was thankful he did. The sight of his boyfriend was almost enough to distract him from his worries. After all, Jesse was the only person he knew of that could actually make paint-stained overalls look sexy. Hanzo nearly flew from his desk to Jesse’s arms, burying himself against his lover. “That was Genji, he’s, he’s--”

“Whoa whoa whoa!” Jesse hugged Hanzo tight. “What’s wrong? Genji sick or somethin’?”

Hanzo shook his head. He was shaking. If it was anyone else he would have hated himself for such an obvious show of weakness. But this was Jesse. Jesse understood. “He broke his leg. Genji broke his leg and we’re going to have to cancel the performance and refund everyone’s money and the hospital won’t get a donation and children won’t get their needed operations and--”

“Hanzo.” Jesse kissed the top of Hanzo’s head. “Deep breathes, sweetheart. This isn’t the end of the world. Nothing needs to be cancelled and all those little kids can go get their heart transplants or whatever. We just need to find a replacement for Genji’s part.”

“Impossible.” Hanzo lifted his head to meet Jesse’s eyes. “There is no one in the company that is as athletic or as skilled at stage fighting as Genji. Nor knows all of his lines.” 

Jesse smiled. That smile that shone in his eyes and crinkled at the sides of his lips. “Well. I can think of someone.”

***

It was a dark, cold, crime-filled night in The City. Most honest folk had gone to bed long ago not knowing of the dark figures that lurked in the shadows. Alarms screamed in the distance to signify yet another jewel heist. While cops swarmed the scene one lone figure took to the rooftops to find the perpetrators. The thieves had slipped out of the Cyborg Ninja’s grasp once, but not this time. 

The Cyborg Ninja landed on the edge of the roof with his trusty Stormbow at the ready. His white and grey armor glowed in the moonlight with only his orange Cyborg-wires to give him a hint of color. His eyes scanned the area. A dead end. Had he followed the trail wrong? Or was this a trap?

“Well well well. Look who we have here! Constable Winston’s personal lap dog!” 

Out from the shadows stepped a young woman in black purple-tinged clothes with neon green bones painted across her skin. In her right hand she held her color-coordinated gun. In her left was a sparkling clear diamond the size of her head. She laughed and the air seemed to hiss around her. 

“Sombra!” The Cyborg Ninja aimed his bow straight at the woman. “Return the Klopman Diamond to the museum at once!” 

Sombra laughed again. “Do you hear that, brother? The Cyborg Ninja wants us to return the diamond! And after all that hard work we did to steal it in the first place! What do you think about that?” Silence. Sombra lowered her gun slightly and sighed. “I said, what do you think about  _ that _ ?”

“I think,” said a voice with a heavy drawl from behind him, “that The Cyborg Ninja doesn’t know the old playground rule of finders keepers!” 

The Cyborg Ninja turned around only to get an eyeful of blinding light. No, not just light. There stood a man in a full pinstripe yellow suit with matching half-cape, black scarf, mask and hat. He already had his revolver pointed straight at The Cyborg Ninja. The weight of the gun was enough to make his arm shake. “Now how about you run along home to your Mama before you get yourself hurt?”

“Despierto!” The Cyborg Ninja pointed his bow straight at Despierto’s heart. “Lower your weapon and revoke your evil ways!”

Despierto chuckled. “And join the good guys? Never. Hey sis, how about you run off to our secret hideout while I take care of wire-brains here?”

“Yes! I will see you at our secret hideout at the abandoned amusement park! Ciao!” With that Sombra vanished back into the darkness leaving the two men alone. 

“You know,” Despierto said as he took a step closer to The Cyborg Ninja, “You and me could make one hell of a team together. What do you say? Partners?”

The Cyborg Ninja answers by knocking the gun out of Despierto’s hand with his bow. The fight that followed was a brutal one-on-one battle filled with a lot of flips and rolls. No matter how hard he tried none of Despierto’s hits landed while he took every single one of The Cyborg Ninja’s punches. The last blow brought Despierto down onto one knee with The Cyborg Ninja’s Electric Arrow pointed straight at him. 

“It is over.” The Cyborg Ninja stepped closer to the defeated Despierto. “Any last words?”

“Yeah. Yeah I have some.” Despierto reached up and pulled down the scarf which covered his face. “Been thinkin’ about this for a long time, too. Maybe it’s time for me to become one of the good guys. But I still think we could make one hell of a team together.”  He pulled a small black box from out of his pocket and opened it to reveal a sparkling ring inside. “What do you say? Partners?”

Hanzo dropped his prop bow. 

To his left Hanzo was only dimly aware of the large audience of children gasping out of shock and mild confusion. If he had his wits about him he may have even glanced over to the wings to see the rest of the crew’s reaction. But all he could think about how his boyfriend, the love of his life, was proposing to him in front of a cardboard backdrop of a city while wearing a suit that made him look like a fashionable banana. He couldn’t have loved him more. 

“Yes.”

The Cyborg Ninja grabbed onto Despierto’s arm and pulled the ex-criminal to his feet. Tears stung his eyes as he yanked down his own face mask to reveal his smile. “Partners.” 

“Sweet Carolina!” Despierto cried out as he wiped his own eyes. “Aren’t you that famous billionaire playboy Tarō--”

Whatever Despierto tried to say was cut off by The Cyborg Ninja pulling him in for a kiss. If the wind blowing across the rooftop sounded like an audience cheering or children gagging neither of of them noticed. 

***

“In my defense all Genji was supposed to do was fake being sick. Breaking his leg is all on him.”

It was later, much later that night after the set had been torn down and the surprise engagement party in the green room came to an end. Hanzo and Jesse sat at the edge of the stage with only a shared bottle of wine and the single flickering ghost light over the stage for company. Jesse rested his head on top of Hanzo’s and chuckled to himself. “Least he’s got Zenny to keep him in line now.”

“Mmm,” Hanzo responded. He wasn’t listening too closely to Jesse’s words. His own head was already filled with thoughts of weddings, of parties, of figuring out who gets who’s last name, and just the word fiance over and over and over. Jesse, his Set Builder, his lover, his fiance, his future husband. He wanted to shout how much he loved this man to the very back of the theater. He wanted to wear his ring with pride. 

Hanzo’s head jerked up, knocking into Jesse’s in the process. “Ring! Where’s that ring?! I should be wearing it!”

“Oh. Uh. About that.” Jesse pulled the box out from his pocket and opened it once more. Even in the faint light the ring sparkled. “It’s um, not actually diamond. Or any rock. I figured I’d use a prop ring that was shiny enough so the audience could see it. You and me could go buy a real engagement ring together sometime.” 

“Nonsense.” Hanzo plucked the shining ring from out of the box and slipped it on his pinky finger. “This is the ring you proposed with. I will have it no other way.” 

“Wrong finger, darlin’.” 

Hanzo smiled at his fiance. “I am saving that for the wedding band, so I can wear both with pride.”

“Aww.” Jesse leaned down and kissed Hanzo as sweet as could be. “You know Propmaster Mei is gonna kill us for stealing her best ring, right?”

Hanzo held his hand out in front of him, causing the plastic jewel to shine like a star in the dark theater. “She will simply have to learn to live without.”


	3. Day 3 - Chores

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im tired and have eight minutes left of the day OH NO ITS SEVEN NOW QUICK POST

_ Com hel p noods _

No matter how many times Jesse read over Hanzo’s text he still couldn’t make heads or tales of it. Athena swore that Hanzo was okay, so it wasn’t anything life threatening. But it was unlike Hanzo to send a message that didn’t read like a grammar teacher’s wet dream. Even his flirty texts always had proper capitalization and punctuation. Just one of the many things Jesse loved about his man. 

The dull worry in Jesse’s chest lifted as he neared Hanzo’s quarters and heard the sound of running water. Suddenly the context of the text changed rapidly to one far more pleasant. Maybe Hanzo wanted a little company in the bath and was too shy to ask directly? They were still in the early stage of their relationship, fumbling and tripping over their own feet as they tried to figure out this dance. He went to knock on the door only for it to open the second he raised his hand.

“Jesse!” Hanzo called from inside his bathroom, “Take off your shirt and come here!” 

“Yessir!” Jesse’s shirt was already off before Hanzo could even finish his sentence. Tragically his thoughts of a shared bath or shower with Hanzo were dashed when he entered the bathroom. Hanzo was shirtless, that was a plus, but he was also kneeling in front of the tub with a large scrubbing brush at the ready. He waved Jesse over with the brush.

“Perfect timing. I require another pair of hands for this part.”

“What are you-gah!” Jesse jumped as two glowing-blue serpent necks rose the soapy bathwater. He was familiar with Hanzo’s dragons, how could he not be, but he had never seen them outside of the battlefield. Or small enough to fit in a bathtub. The one on the right had a rubber ducky clenched between its jaws. “Er. Howdy there, partners. Didn’t know they get baths.”

Hanzo nodded as he began to scrub the duckless one’s neck. “If they do not the blood and filth of battle congeals under their horns and scales. That and they decided to jump into a mud puddle in Bastion’s garden today. Didn’t you, Soba?”

The one with the rubber ducky in its mouth growled. 

“Soba?” Jesse said as he knelt next to Hanzo. “Wait. Wait wait wait. So my lil’ nickname-”

“Was correct,” Hanzo said with a soft smile. “They are in fact Noodles, as you like to call them.”

Well. That explained the text. Jesse picked up a washcloth and tried rubbing it against Soba’s neck. Despite looking like it was made of clear light the dragon was solid to the touch. He could even feel it purr under his fingers. “Let me guess. Is the other one’s name Ramen?”

“Udon.” Hanzo moved the scrubbing brush up between Udon’s horns. “Ramen was my father’s dragon. He never cleaned Ramen, despite my mother’s protests. Said the blood and rotted guts were necessary for intimidating rivals.” 

“That’s uh, certainly somethin’, darlin.” Jesse scrubbed a little harder. There would be no gut-covered dragons on his watch. He did his best to focus on cleaning the wiggling Soba, and not on how Hanzo’s soaked pants clung to his thighs. Focus. “Must be hard doing this on your own.”

Hanzo chuckled. “Most of the time they would have to live with being hosed down in a motel shower. It is nice to spoil them with a proper bath now and then. And I thought it would be a nice...bonding exercise? As Lena likes to say?”

“So me and your noodles become best friends?” Jesse asked.

“They are already fond of you.” Hanzo said, looking at Jesse out of the corner of his eye.

“Aww shucks! I didn’t know I wormed my way into their hearts already!”

“Soba says he likes you because you smell like meat.”

Soba squeaked his rubber ducky in agreement. 

“You know what? I’m gonna take that as a compliment. You need help drying these guys? Combing their hair? Brushing their teeth?”

“I was not aware you were so interested in dragon care, Jesse.”

Jesse grinned. “Darlin’, I’ll take up knitting and make them matching sweaters if it means spending more time with you.” 

“In that case,” Hanzo stood up and grabbed a handful of towels off the rack and tossed them Jesse’s way. “You will want to put these down on the bed, and grab extras from the linen closet.”

Before Jesse could ask why he felt a gust of wind as the two dragons, now nothing more than streaks of light, jumped out of the tub and ran out of the bathroom leaving the two men behind. The chewed rubber ducky bobbed in the little bit of the soapy water that remained in the tub and not on the tiled floor. Jesse stood up being careful not to slip. “Might be too late for your bed, sweetheart. Course, you could always stay in my room tonight.”

Hanzo didn’t seem too torn up about that. 


	4. DAY 4 - Road Trip!

Jesse was pretty sure that rest stops don’t actually exist. Like yeah there’s a building there that you can go into and purchase things and such. But there was no way that time actually moved there all proper-like. Everything always felt a little...off. Unreal. As if he’d turn around and suddenly he’d be back driving his car like nothing happened. Having a half-asleep grumpy Hanzo by his side didn’t help. Because grumpy Hanzo was also stabby Hanzo.

“I will kill him for his crimes.”

Jesse reached over the wobbly food court table and patted Hanzo’s hand. “Buying the last French toast sticks isn’t a crime, darlin’.”

Hanzo narrowed his eyes at his new sworn enemy from across the small court. The man was chomping away on said sticks while pouring over a map. “He will die for this insult against me.”

“Course he will. Now eat your chicken sticks, we gotta get back on the road in ten.” 

Jesse didn’t fully catch Hanzo’s grumble about it being too early for real food, nor did he correct him about spicy chicken sticks being anywhere close to real food. They had already been on the road for hours and were hardly halfway to the pick-up point. The only thing that kept him going was the knowledge that by this time tomorrow he and Hanzo would be curled up together in a warm bed with no planned missions in the near future.

Or haunted dolls. It’d been weeks and he still couldn’t get that creepy doll out of his head. Luckily it hadn’t been the first time he needed to dispose of a haunted doll by burying it in an empty lot. Knowing his luck it wouldn’t be the last, either.

“I’m gonna go hit up the bathroom,” Jesse said as he stood up. “You promise not to murder anyone while I’m away?”

“I am not a child,” Hanzo grumbled. “I will meet you by the arcade.”

“There’s an arcade in here?”

The rest stop did in fact have an arcade. In Jesse’s search for the bathrooms he also found a Starbucks, a Cinnabon-Roy Rogers combination, one of those old fashioned penny pressing machines, a penny which he used on said machine, at least three stands of overpriced chargers, and a general convenience store that didn’t seem to have anyone actually working there. He eventually did find the restrooms down a half-flight of stairs on the other side of the building. So space didn’t really work there either. Maybe he could bring Winston here to do some science after the mission. 

Jesse found the arcade eventually, which was empty save for the near-antique games and one sleepy Hanzo. He was playing a game older than the two of them combined. No blood on him, so that was good. Jesse whistled while he moseyed up to Hanzo to make sure the man knew he was coming. It was unwise to sneak up on grumpy-stabby-sleepy Hanzo. Another thing Jesse knew from first hand experience. “You winnin’?”

“The A.I. cheats.” Hanzo growled before punctuating his point with a swift kick at the machine. He missed, but it was the thought that count. The half-hearted attack did allow Jesse to see Hanzo had something tucked under his arm. Hanzo caught Jesse’s eye and held the...thing out. It was a stuffed animal at least. And it was sorta four-legged shaped with yarn hair, wings, and a horn in a dazzling array of colors.

“Is it a horse-unicorn-pegasus?” Jesse tilted his head. 

“It is a mighty steed for my beloved,” Hanzo said with a straight face. His smile did return when he booped Jesse on the nose with the horse-thing. “I won it for my beloved from a crane machine. Do not ask how much I spent.”

“Only if you promise not ask how much it cost me to squish this penny!” Jesse exchanged the penny for his new sorta-horse and smiled. “It’s got a dinosaur on it and everything.”

Hanzo held the shiny copper oval up to the light. “Brontosaurus? I thought that wasn’t an actual dinosaur?”

“Eh, it flips back and forth every couple of years.” Jesse wrapped his arm around Hanzo’s waist and tugged him closer, being sure not to squish his rainbow pony. “Now how about you and me get on Garyl and ride off into the sunset together?”

“Garyl?”

“Garyl!” Jesse shook the horse in his hand. “Are you with me honeybee?”

“As long as I ride with you, love.” Hanzo leaned up and kissed Jesse. He still wasn’t used to getting such sweet kisses from Hanzo. He wondered if he ever would. 


	5. Day 5 - Mission

“You needed to see me, Boss?”

Winston hopped down from his tire swing as Jesse strolled into his office. Well, an old lab fitted with computers and tire swings. Same difference. The cowboy was clearly doing his best to look cool and calm, which really just made the fact that he was nervous stand out more. Winston liked Jesse. Some humans he had a hard time reading their emotions. But Jesse? You always knew where you stood with Jesse. “Yes, thank you Jesse. You’re not in trouble.”

“Oh thank heavens,” Jesse said, obviously relieved. He took off his hat and held it against his chest. “Fraid I thought you were going to tan my hide and send me packin’.”

“Nonsense!” Winston reached over and grabbed the handy Gorilla-sized tablet off his desk. It was also almost near indestructible. Handy for when he got into one of his...moods. “I wanted to speak with you about your last mission.”

“Sure thing Boss. Anything wrong?”

Winston opened up the file on his tablet. “I wanted to speak to you about your After-Action Mission Report.”

He felt a little bad for enjoying the way Jesse’s regular charming smile vanished as all the color drained out of his face.  “You read those?”

“I swore to prevent Overwatch’s previous mistakes from repeating. That includes the tendency for the Mission Reports to go unread. Now I understand that writing reports may not be the most exciting part of the mission--”

“Sir--”

“But please try to refrain from poetic descriptions like,” Winston adjusted his glasses, “Hanzo positioned himself on top of the northeast tower and fired. No words could describe his use of the bow. He was an artist, the arrows his brush and our enemies’ blood his paint. I could see a drop of sweat race down his neck from where I stood. There ain’t nothing I want more on God’s green Earth than to trace that bead with my tongue, taste the salt of his skin and smell the musk of--”

“Sir!” Jesse clenched the brim of his hat tight. “I, I think we all got the picture.”

“An extremely descriptive picture considering this is page one of five just on Agent Hanzo Shimada alone.” In fact more than Winston ever wanted to read about Jesse’s thoughts on Hanzo, or human mating in general. Jesse’s writing got rather intense by the end. He actually skipped the last page entirely. “In the future please only write was pertains to the mission. Nothing else. Understood?” 

“Yessir.” Jesse hung his head down low in shame.

“Good. You may go. But um, Jesse?”

“Yessir?”

“Consider maybe asking Hanzo out for a drink sometime?”

Jesse gulped and gave a quick nod before dashing out the door. Once the cowboy was gone Winston sat down in his reinforced chair with a sigh. “Athena, can you please inform Hanzo that I wish to speak with him as well?”

_ “Right away, Winston.”  _ Athena chimed in from above.  _ “Humans sure are strange, aren’t they?” _

“They sure are.” Winston said as he opened up Hanzo’s Mission Report. Which was somehow even filthier than Jesse’s. The sooner he stopped having to read about how Jesse’s rear looked in his chaps, the better. 


	6. DAY 6 - First Date

“I’m thinkin’ about having the Banana Slammer Cocktail. Or maybe the Blueberry Monsoon? What do you think, sug?” Jesse looked up from the overly complex drink menu only to see that Hanzo was still focused on the table across the restaurant. For a world class assassin he really did drop the ball with the act casual thing sometimes. “Honeybee? Sugar cookie? My ice cream sundae with all the fixins?”

That got Hanzo to look his way again. He managed to look annoyed and amused at the same time.  “That’s a new one, McCree.” 

“McCree?” Jesse scoffed, “Didn’t think you’d be so formal on our first date.” 

“So this is our first date?” Hanzo said as he took the menu from Jesse. “I had assumed we were celebrating an anniversary.”

“You wound me, Shimada! I would do something way better for our anniversary!” 

The restaurant was in fact on the dive-y end of the spectrum. One of those places that only stayed open because it had a bar. They are by far the youngest people there, save for Hana and the informant she was meeting with. Worrisome because they were trying to blend into a crowd that mostly used walkers.

Something felt off about the mission. Overwatch had been contacted by an informant who was eager to share Talon’s secrets on one condition: that Hana Song would be the one to meet with them. With that in mind Jesse could see why this restaurant was chosen. It was the only one with clientele that wouldn’t recognize Hana on the spot. So she waited at the bar while Jesse and Hanzo watched from across the room. Jack, Orisa and Lucio were outside just in case said informant tried to run. 

“Well?” Hanzo asked, his eyes focused on Jesse instead of the drink menu.

“Well what?”

“What will you do for our anniversary?” 

Jesse felt his face heat up under Hanzo’s unyielding gaze. “I uh, um, if the weather’s nice I’d make us up a nice picnic all fancy-like. Not that traditional wine and cheese but stuff you actually like. Bring along a blanket, maybe even a few candles, and we’d go down to the beach and watch the sunset together. Probably get you a nice gift too.”

Hanzo’s expression remained neutral. “Such as?”

“We-e-ell, not one of those traditional paper or silver ones! Somethin’ you’d use. Like really nice origami paper which now that I say that out loud is paper but you know what I mean. Maybe a new tablet? Sweaters for your dragons. Or a bottle of Takara’s Koshu Plum Wine, just for you.”

That got Hanzo’s blank face to drop. “You remembered,” he stated, a note of surprise in his voice.

“I try to keep tabs on what my friends like.” Jesse smiled. “How’s that sound for our anniversary?”

Suddenly Hanzo’s whole body relaxed as he returned that smile with his own. “Depends on what you planned for the after-dinner entertainment.” 

It was in that moment, that very second when Jesse saw Hanzo’s natural smile a warmth blossomed in his chest. Jesse McCree, thirty-seven years old, had developed a crush on Hanzo Shimada. Thankfully he was saved from stammering out a follow-up when Hanzo suddenly went rigid again. 

“Shit!” He hissed, “The target is here!” 

Jesse did his best to twist around while not looking too suspicious. There was a woman sitting next to Hana at the bar with purple tinged hair and a dress that matched. For a second Jesse thought she looked familiar, but then Hana threw her head back and laughed loud enough to throw his train of thought off the rails. 

“Is that the target?” Jesse frowned to himself. There was that nagging feeling again in his gut. Maybe it was the way the target was laughing, or the way Hana would smile bright enough to light up the room when the target spoke. If Jesse didn’t know any better he could have sworn--

“Are they on a date?” Jesse turned back to face Hanzo, who looked just as baffled as him.

“It certainly appears that way.”

Jesse blinked. “Are...we on a date?”

Hanzo looked around the restaurant, as if seeing it for the first time. “I suspect that we are, Jesse.”

“So I’m Jesse now?” He smiled and reached across the table to place his hand on top of Hanzo’s.

The warmth in his chest only grew when Hanzo entwined their fingers together. “For now. We will have to see where the night takes us.” 

Jesse squeezed Hanzo’s hand. At least he already had their anniversary planned out. 


	7. Day 7 - Home for the Holidays

Overwatch didn’t originally plan to have a big holiday celebration that year. Maybe a Secret Santa around a small tree, but nothing beyond that. But then a few weeks ago Lena realized that this would be Orisa’s first Christmas therefore it had to be the  _ best _ Christmas. The Watchpoint was decorated from head-to-toe in lights and tinsel. Reinhardt dragged in a tree as large as him and no one was sure where he got it from. Not a day went by where someone wasn’t in the kitchen preparing their own traditional food for the big day. The final straw for Hanzo, however, was the family members.

Torbjorn brought his entire brood, wife and grandchildren included. Lucio’s sister and her kids showed up just a few days before. Hana’s parents arrived that afternoon with Mei’s big brother (formally her little brother) in tow. No matter where Hanzo went there was noise, people, and not enough room to breathe. He made it almost an hour into the big Christmas Eve party before he excused himself, leaving Jesse behind to fend off the kids by himself. 

The anxiety passed, but the guilt of abandoning his boyfriend did not. Hanzo knew it wasn’t exactly a life-or-death situation but he still felt bad for it. Maybe that’s why he ended up wandering around the Watchpoint instead of returning to his quarters. His and Jesse’s quarters. He walked aimlessly through the hallways debating if he should return to the chaos or not. He should. Even if it meant playing a terrible party game. Hanzo turned back around to face his fears, took three steps towards the common room, and jumped a foot in the air when the hallway closet door next to him swung open. Arms shot out of the closet and dragged Hanzo in before he could fight back. The door slammed shut behind him.

“Hanzo! Thought that was your happy-tappy-tappy I heard comin’ my way!”

Only one person would describe Hanzo’s footsteps that way. “Jesse? What are you doing here?”

“I’m, hang on, think there’s a light,” Jesse reached out to the wall and a light flickered on above them. The closet was barely big enough for the two of them, and even then Jesse only fit because he wedged his prosthetic arm into one of the shelves among the cleaning supplies. “There we go! Don’t suppose you brought anything to drink?”

“No I,” Hanzo quickly checked his pockets, “I did not. And you still haven’t answered my question.”

Jesse half-shrugged. “Party got a bit too much. I figured Lena would find me in our room, so I’m hiding out in here till things die down. You doin’ the same?”

Hanzo nodded. “I am sorry, Jesse. I should not have left you alone back there. As your boyfriend I should have stayed by your side and stop giggling, I am trying to apologize.”

“Sorry darlin’,” Jesse bit his lip to fight his giggling. “You just sound so serious for someone wearing an ugly Christmas sweater. And, and I shouldn’t have ran out and hid without finding you first. Guess we both messed up this whole being a good boyfriend thing tonight. But practice makes perfect, right sugar? I mean we’ve only been dating a couple of months--”

“Three months and a week.” Hanzo said, looking down at Jesse’s ridiculous donkey-covered Christmas sweater. 

“Oh. Didn’t know it’s been that long.”

Hanzo swallowed. “It is the longest relationship I’ve ever been in.” 

“Oh sweetheart…” With his one free arm Jesse hugged Hanzo tight. Hanzo buried himself against Jesse’s chest, his anxiety from before melting away. Jesse nuzzled the top of Hanzo’s head and peppered his hair with kisses. “I don’t deserve you, honeybee.”

Hanzo wrapped his arms around Jesse and squeezed back. “Nonsense. You deserve the world, my love. Everything you wish for and more.”

“All I want is you, darlin’. I want you to be there when I’m back from a mission. I want to wake up to your sleepyhead grumbling every morning. I want to share my life with you, Hanzo. As long as you want me.”

Hanzo’s reply came in the form of a kiss. He pressed Jesse back against the shelving, wedging his thigh between his boyfriend’s legs. Jesse parted his lips with a moan, greedily devouring Hanzo’s kisses as his hips moved in time with Hanzo’s thrusts. They rocked against each other in that cramped space without a thought of the world outside. Hanzo never was as good with words as Jesse. Instead he let his actions speak for himself. He pressed forward again, grinding his thigh against Jesse’s hardening cock. 

“Sweetheart, angel, sugar cookie, caramel-fuck!” Jesse hissed and moved away as much as he could from the shelving. “Somethin’s poking me in the back real hard. Sorry about that. How about we move this to our place?”

Hanzo tilted his head to see what cleaning supply dared to interrupt his and Jesse’s Christmas cheer.

Pitch-black doll eyes stared back.

Jesse must have saw the fear on Hanzo’s face because he turned to look as well. There, sitting on the shelf, was an all too familiar porcelain baby doll with parted lips wearing dirt-stained lace clothes. Hanzo’s eyes met his boyfriend’s. The love of his life. His potentially very short life. 

“Right.” Jesse licked his lips as his eyes focused back on the doll. “I got an idea.”

***

“ _ Widowmaker, report. _ ”

Widowmaker adjusted her sights, focusing on the mysterious object that had appeared near the outskirts of Talon’s base. “I cannot get a clear view of the object. Sombra, can you detect any electronics within it?”

“ _ Nothing on my radar. You’re both overreacting _ ,” Sombra chimed in on the communication channel. 

“ _ What’s preventing you from having a clear line of sight? _ ” growled Reaper over the line.

“There’s tree branches in the way. I can move to the north tower--” Widowmaker flinched at the sound of gunfire as the tree branches were cleared away by sloppy shotgun work. At least Reaper was closer to the target than she was. That way it would get him first. “Or you can do that.”

Reaper grumbled, Sombra snickered. The usual. Widowmaker ignored them both and focused back on the object at hand. It just looked like trash to her. Or a dead animal. No, that was clearly cloth moving in the wind. She adjusted her sights once more only to lift her head up in confusion.

“ _ Widowmaker! Report! _ ”

“I, I think it’s a doll?” 


End file.
